Older Men and Yet I'm the Childish One

 The title speaks for itself honestly. Ever since I was 15 I've had this attraction to men older then me. My first ever boyfriend was 5 years older then me, being 20 years old at the time to my 15 years of age. It was allowed due to parental consent but I really wish my parents would've disagreed more, but that is a story for another time.

Nine years ago at the age of 18 I met my neighbors son for the first time. He was 19 years older then me, successful, and overall attractive. What started out as us just talking when I went over his moms house, ended up with us having an intimate fling for a week or so before he left to continue his life where he lived. I had no contact with him after he left.

Here I am 9 years later, just turned 27, divorced for 2 years, raising 2 young children by myself and he shows up again out of the blue. He came into my place of employment and I ended up reaching out to him through social media. We agreed to meet up at a local bar and just see what happened. I got a hotel room for the weekend and everything, just in case. Needless to say he ended up in that hotel room with me and thus started our secret relationship.

We started seeing each other around the end of April, and here we are at the end of October and we have been off and on for 6 months now. At first I was okay with the occasional hook up in the back seat of his truck with the tinted windows. His mom can't know we are, or were, or really who knows what at this point, seeing each other. She no longer associates with me but yet is still my neighbor.

We started out with late night walks that ended up with us in the back of his truck like sex crazed teenagers. This escalated to him sneaking me into his moms house at 1 or 2 am in the morning again like teenagers, to then him coming over my house and doing it on the couch as to not wake up my children who co-sleep. 

The intimacy was/is great. When he isn't worried about his mom our time together is great. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes me feel beautiful and wanted. But I would say that's only maybe about 20% of the time. Take into mind my beat friend, is a male, and has resorted to calling my neighbors son 'Lapse of Judgement', so for all intended purposes we will call him LoJ. 

LoJ is very secretive about his life and everything in it. He would only make time for me once every 2 weeks very late at night. While i got used to this it does take a toll over time. I actually fell in love with the guy. After sworing to never love again, he got through my walls and made me fall. But it was and still is one sided.

Our neighbors up the road were the only ones who knew about us and twice this summer we went camping with them. What started out as me in my tent with my kids ended up with me being in his tent all night for the entire weekend. And he was so loving,caring, affectionate the entire time. But, the minute the trip was over and we got home it was back to him acting like I dont exist. 

We got into a fight a couple months back over something stupid, and i told him i was done. He called me and when I didnt answer he blew up my phone with messages until i eventually snuck into his moms house. Again this led to us being intimate and the whole time him repeating "Doesnt seem like you're really done. Only say that if you really mean it." I think at that time I really should've meant it but I continued to be available every time he called.

About 2 months ago he came over at 2 am yelling and upset because a girl I know started rumors at the bar he plays pool at. While yelling at me about all of this and me trying to get the story from both sides he told me he loved me. At that time I believed him and truly thought he meant it, until i realized it was only for him to continue getting what he wanted from me. 

About a month ago we got into another fight because i asked him if we were exclusive and told him that i didnt want him seeing anyone else and that I wanted him to make more of an effort. At that time he told me he would always deny any relationship with me. Well that fight ended up with us ending. A week later i messaged him that I missed him and I didnt want this to be over. He didnt respond until 2 days later when he texted me coming over for intimacy. During that time he claimed he couldnt sleep because he was missing me and had feelings for me. 

Fast forward to now. Its been 3 weeks with no word from him at all. He's purposely avoiding me at all costs. He goes out of his way to make sure to leave before or after I do in the morning so he doesnt have to see me and stays out until he knows im in bed at night so i cant stop him in his driveway and make him talk to me. He has left every single message i sent him on read. 

He claims im the Childish One, that I'm clingy and wanting too much. Yet, here's a guy whos 46 years old, going out of his way to ignore me instead of being honest with me that he doesnt want this anymore.

I guess the whole point of this and talking abot LoJ is to bring awareness to this behavior. Women and men, if your significant other is acting this way, leave them. Its gaslighting, its controlling, its abusive, it's narcissism at its finest. Dont continue to fall for price charming or the damsel in distress. Stand up for yourself and know you've got the strength to walk away when you're mind and heart are saying enough is enough! Dont allow love to rule because it does nothing more then hurt you on a daily basis. True love will never have you questioning, it'll never have you wondering, itll never have you feeling like you aren't enough. You are enough and to the right person you will be everything. Dont stop beliving and dont settle because one day that person will come and they'll love you like no one else ever did.

Have a good night lovelies 💜